Category: Memoir

Last year, after my mother-in-law passed away, I happened upon a YouTube video entitled “What happens when you’re cremated?” I wasn’t trying to be morbid, I promise. I just like learning new things and, hey, here was a new thing that was exactly what we were going through.

Aside from the information, the video’s hostess, Caitlin Doughty, was great. I started looking around her channel, called Ask a Mortician, and watched more of her videos. You know what I learned? A lot! (For instance, did you know that embalming is not required by law before burial? Did you know there is a “green” version of cremation that uses water instead of fire?)

But what I mostly learned, was that despite having planned 3 funerals/wakes/Celebrations of Lives in the last 12 years, I knew very little about what actually happens to a corpse from the time it arrives at the funeral home to the time it is interred or buried. The industry is designed that way–to sell you the embalming/cremation/burial packages and to shield you from your vast multitude of options. Many of these options are less expensive, more eco-friendly, simpler, and give the grieving family a way to intimately participate. That shielding is not doing us any favors.

So, we the living, advocate for the deceased. But who advocates for the living? Enter Caitlin Doughty, who has made it her mission to pull back the curtain of the funeral industry and give us a look inside. As. It. Should. Be.

In her first book, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes & Other Lessons from the Crematory, we see the author’s foray into the funeral industry as a lowly crematory operator in San Francisco. It’s far from glamorous, but she learns a lot in those few months and we learn right along with her. After that, it’s mortuary school and pretty much being on call 24/7 while driving the “body van” up and down I-5, boomeranging between San Diego and Santa Barbara.

As you probably guessed, this is not a subject for the squeamish, but it’s important. Death is something none of us will avoid. It discriminates against no one. And right now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, most of us are probably thinking about death more than usual. So learn about it. Make a plan so that your family isn’t left guessing. Learn from the good and bad decisions of others. Reading this book is a very entertaining and informative way to start. You’ll be amazed at how much you don’t know, but you’ll also revel in Doughty’s writing style, which is witty, a bit sardonic, but respectful of her vocation.

Caitlin Doughty has written two more books, both of which I plan to read and review in the future. She also owns her own funeral home in Los Angeles, runs a website called The Order of the Good Death, and, of course, her YouTube channel, Ask a Mortician.

Here’s a little intro:

Ask a Mortician YouTube Channel

The Order of the Good Death website (designed to provide education and transparency about the funeral process.)

9/10 Stars

Once upon a time, before marrying and having two children, before Apple was the iconic company that it is today, Steve Jobs fathered a daughter. He briefly lived with her mother, Chrisann Brennan, then his eccentric restlessness took over. They broke up before the child was born and Jobs refused to acknowledge paternity for several years.

Lisa Brennan-Job is that daughter and this is her story. It is the story of a struggling single mother on state assistance whose child’s father was worth hundreds of millions. It is the story of a daughter searching for some normalcy, which was difficult with two highly volatile parents. It is a story of a constant roller coaster of love, hurt, redemption, and forgiveness.

I was riveted by Small Fry. Lisa’s position as Steve Jobs’ daughter may seem enviable, but your opinion will change after reading her story. She never plays the victim, nor the princess. Jobs was ridiculously controlling while Chrisann was often emotionally unstable. The only real closure Lisa received was a deathbed apology which, I suppose, is better than nothing.

9/10 Stars

The Girl With Seven Names is truly a fascinating read. With all of the news coverage about North Korea, there are thousands of little details which can only be learned from someone who grew up there. The first half of Ms. Lee’s story is her childhood. She describes the importance of “sonbung,” the caste system under which the culture operates. We learn about the way North Korean schools teach the children, indoctrinating them with a version of history and a filter through which to see the rest of world. Everyone lives in fear. No one knows who to trust. They are prisoners both physically and mentally.

The second half is about her journey leaving the country and her efforts to adjust beyond its borders. It is un…be…lie…vable. (I’m trying very hard not to include any spoilers!)

The concept of “names” is revisited often. Names and identification.

This motivated me to start thinking a lot about the origin of our identities. (See? I’m a wannabe college student.) Where do our identities come from? Our name? Our family? Our social status? Our religious beliefs? Our country? Notice how I’m working from the inside out…. I’ve never read a book where someone was forced to change their name so many times, usually to conceal her identity and try to assimilate in her current surroundings. But not always.

Although I expected to be awestruck at the extreme level of control the Kim Dynasty has over its people, there was something I did not expect. I did not expect to feel the compassion for the culture as much as I did upon completing the book. It’s hard to describe, but there is SO much we take for granted, even as we complain about our own governments in democratic nations. The fact that we CAN complain is something many people cannot even comprehend.

I can’t even imagine living in a country where you have to look over your shoulder every second of every day. Any control of one’s life is through rebellion. What we consider to be illegal and taboo becomes a way of life for many as they try to make a little extra money and maintain a sense of control (and sanity) that the government will not allow. Unfortunately, the consequences of this are negative as well. Not only is everyone trying to outsmart everyone else, but basic concepts like charity and kindness are completely foreign when there’s usually a hidden agenda.

Hyeonseo Lee has an extraordinary amount of “close calls.” But she also experiences what can only be explained as miracles. Those events are hopeful and truly faith-inspiring.

I highly, highly recommend The Girl With Seven Names. It would make a fantastic book club selection. At its core, it will change you, making you more appreciative for the freedoms we enjoy, and it will put your own challenges in a new perspective.

10/10 Stars  (Really, a MUST-read.)

(Here’s my disclaimer for sensitive readers: Although violence is described, it is not disturbingly graphic. The hardest section for me was reading about the years of famine. It’s a short section, but a heart-breaking one.)

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Some extra observations about Educated vs. The Girl With Seven Names:

As I read The Girl With Seven Names, bracing myself for the grit, I started to realize why the “tough” scenes didn’t upset me quite as much as when I read Educated. Perhaps I was already inoculated and this is purely my opinion but, based on these two books, I think that growing up in an oppressive family might actually be harder than growing up in an oppressive nation. Make no mistake, BOTH are incredibly difficult and will have life-long effects on their victims. But it’s my belief that you except safety and support from your family. It’s a given (usually). Therefore the pain inflicted is much more personal and wounding because it’s from those you love and want to trust. In Educated I was amazed at how many times the author forgave and boomeranged back to her abusers. It’s because they were her family and she loved them–it was inconceivable to feel anything else.

Patriotism and duty to one’s country is more abstract. The disillusionment Hyeonseo Lee feels in Seven Names as she gets older is more about logic and fear of the outside world than love and a sense of obligation. If you do happen to read both books, you will understand why I’m lumping them together.

Yesterday I did two things I’ve never done: (1) I bought a book because it looked so interesting and the library “hold” queue was longer than I could wait. (2) I read until after 4am because I absolutely could NOT put it down and HAD to finish it.

This unbelievably gripping memoir is called Educated, by Tara Westover. When I say “gripping,” I mean wraps-its-literary-fingers-around-your-throat-and-doesn’t-let-go-kind-of-gripping. Take that as a warning.

Warm and fuzzy, it is not.

Some background on the author: Tara Westover was born into a Mormon survivalist family in southern Idaho. She’s the youngest of 7 children. Her father, who probably suffers from bipolar disorder and/or schizophrenia, abhors any and all agencies connected to the government. His family yields to the effects of his ever-growing paranoia. The children don’t go to school, they don’t see doctors, they have no birth certificates (they don’t even know their birthdays,) they have no friends, they’re cut off from most extended family, and they are made to think that preparation for the “End of Days” is top priority. There’s no TV, radio, or phone for years in their home. All they know is their father’s BIZARRE interpretation of life beyond Buck’s Peak, the mountain where they live. Over time, partly due to self-preservation but mostly due to an injury, their mother becomes mentally unhinged as well.

When I first started the book, the story seemed relatively “tame” compared to The Glass Castle, which many readers have used as an example of what to expect. Then I realized that the author was just “easing us in.” The chaos, the turmoil, and the emotional roller coaster her parents inflicted on their children is EXHAUSTING to read. But, I couldn’t stop reading.

We all know family relationships are complicated, but the relationships in this family are at a level most of us (thankfully) will never, ever experience. You’re left shaking your head that parents can so clearly love their children and still make the decisions they did about their physical safety and emotional welfare.

You read already knowing the ending, which is that Tara and two of her older brothers left that life and, with unbelievable tenacity and determination, attended prestigious universities and obtained PhDs. Everything between her birth and the present day is the journey about which she writes. That journey is a devastating one which became more and more difficult. She more she achieved, the more she realized how little she knew. She more she integrated within the university community, the less deserving she felt. Her memoir is only one part of what will probably be a lifelong healing process.

Still, her courage is inspiring. Her future is hopeful. Her story is unforgettable.

9.5/10 Stars

To learn more: tarawestover.com

A final caution: Tara suffers years of physical and emotional abuse at the hand of  one particular brother. It’s random, always unexpected, and horrific. In one of his rages, he also brutally kills his dog. These are things I really have a tough time reading about, so this is a disclaimer for those who are extra sensitive like myself.

Lastly, as member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon), let me emphasize that this is NOT a mainstream Mormon family, nor does the LDS Church sanction or teach behavior exhibited by the Westover parents. The father cloaks his “prophecies” and strange ideas in his religion, which just happens to be Mormon. The author does not vilify the LDS Church nor hold them responsible, which I appreciated.

After 2 recent “Osmond” themed vacations, it was inevitable that I should read this book. I learned about it from one of the ladies whose story is featured and, at only 78 pages, it was a quick read on the airplane. Agatha Runyon, like many others, was impressed and influenced by this well-know family’s standards in a world that continuously calls such behavior “outdated.”

This is a family who has been in the entertainment industry for over 50 years and still strictly adheres to their religious beliefs. Sometimes they share those beliefs with others, but often it is their example and willingness to “walk the walk, not just talk the talk” that has piqued people’s interest in the Mormon Church.

In this compilation, 15 different people tell their personal stories of conversion to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Because each story is told by a different person, it is impossible to critique the writing except to say that it varies between average and above. The common denominator is that each person was an Osmond fan during the 1960’s and 70’s. It was that pre-internet time when fan magazines were the craze and the only way for teenagers to learn about their pop idols’ personal lives. The Osmonds, to their credit, never hid the fact that they were a church-going family who put the things of God before the things of the world.

Many of the people featured came from homes of dysfunction or with no religious teaching. Besides their musical talent, the Osmonds–a large, loving family with two stalwart parents–attracted teenagers living in less-than-ideal situations.  “Mother Osmond,” in particular, was very generous with her time in reaching out to individuals who had questions about the Church.

Not all of the converts in the book have had personal contact with the family. Many simply admired them from afar and went seeking out missionaries and congregations on their own. The experiences are truly about conversion to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not conversion to a famous family. The stories are often touching, with several of the people overcoming great obstacles prior to being baptized.

The main message, of course, is that whether we are famous or not, what we do and say gets noticed. If we are consistent, uplifting, and positive, those things can help to change lives.

8.5/10 Stars

Today, as I left an Amazon browsing session and headed off to a long overdue pedicure, I decided to download a Kindle Single called Bearded Lady.  A Kindle Single is like a short book.  OK, it IS a short book.  This one was 46 pages and my pedi time was almost enough to finish the whole thing.

And the subject, my friends, is Hair.  To be more specific:  Unwanted Hair.

It is basically a short memoir by Altman in an attempt to entertain and to bring together women of the world and their hair removal embarrassment.  As someone who has used Nair, Nads, razors, bleach, wax, and body groomers…I could relate.

There is a certain comfort to read about someone else’s journey into unwanted hair removal, but this is anything but a deep literary experience.  At most, Altman explores the history of when hairless legs and underarms on American women became the norm.  She has quotes from professors of Anthropology and Gender Studies from around the country, none of which are ground-breaking.  The collective thought is that, as hemlines and sleeves got shorter, grooming for women went in a new direction.

Yes, it brought back memories of when my mom handed me my first razor and when my grandma said, “Hija, you have a little mustache.  Try this..” as she handed me my first tube of Nair (which pretty much takes your skin off along with your upper lip hair.) Neither was a memory I needed to revisit.

Overall it was a one-time read, not necessarily one I would recommend, but it was entertaining for the hour it took finish.  My main issue is the use of the F-word a few times, which I LOATHE, and a couple of sh-words peppered in.  Totally uncool and not necessary.

7.5 out of 10 Stars